His hand lay atop her thigh. Hidden from her view under the table, Kat leaned into the comfort of his thumb tracing back and forth, keeping time with the ticking of the antique wall-mounted clock just above the desk.
He told her not to be nervous, but she’d thrown up every morning since they found out they were pregnant with their second. He told her it was all in her head, that she only started puking after they had confirmation, but no matter what the cause, this pregnancy was already so different than before.
He squeezed her thigh. “Stop worrying. We’re about to meet our next kid.”
And with that, a whole new flurry of butterflies clawed at her middle. This was the beauty of the Autonomy Act that was so often overshadowed by the stories of the parents who’d been rejected. While the law would not officially be passed for another thirty years, as a result, individuals were granted the right to choose their own existence. And with the resources of groundbreaking companies like Origin Tech, parents could actually meet their future children face-to-face. The video was never as clear as was advertised, but for the past ten years, parents who conceived had been able to speak with their offspring as they gave them permission to carry them to term.
“Let’s just hope he or she doesn’t have your mother’s nose,” Joe said, glancing at the watch on his other wrist. “Wasn’t the appointment for 1pm?”
“That’s what you said. And Vivi has that birthday party at 5pm.”
“I’ll never understand mid-week birthday parties.”
Their first-born, Vivienne, was overjoyed at the prospect of a new sibling. They hadn’t meant to tell her yet, but Kat had slipped up over dinner, and they’d been trying desperately to keep the child’s mouth shut ever since so as not to violate any HIPPA laws. Pregnancy announcements were never permitted until after gestation requests were approved. But there’d been something so sweet about watching Vivi practicing the art of being the oldest. She had already named the child “duckie,” for whatever reason, and was oscillating between elation over finally having a “new friend” and frustration that the new friend was “taking so long.”
Kat could appreciate Vivi’s impatience. She felt the same while they waited for Vivi’s appearance. The anxiety of awaiting the decision and then finally catching a brief glimpse of Vivi’s sweet face only to have to wait another eight months for her arrival. This time, she had an entirely new anxiety to add to the mix, and it took the form of steady but dull pangs in her abdomen. She knew it was rare for parents of multiples to be denied, but those butterflies still wouldn’t let up, and Joe’s thumb couldn’t trace that path forever.
“The text said 1-3 pm, right?”
“Would you stop? You’re making me more nervous.”
“I told you, it’ll be fine. It’s just a silly formality. We were in and out with Vivi in less than twenty minutes. Signed two forms and that was it. You’re panicking for no reason. I bet you can’t name one couple you know who’ve been unfairly rejected.”
“The Tellers just got rejected last month. They were devastated.”
“Mrs. Teller is an alcoholic.
“Recovering alcoholic.”
“And Mr. Teller has a family medical history that could preclude him from sneezing in public spaces. They were never going to pass.”
“That’s a bit harsh.”
“It’s not harsh. It’s a scientific method. You have a whole slew of geneticists, psychologists, and family practitioners looking into this stuff. It’s not some random thing.” Another pat to her thigh. “We’re fine.”
He went back to his phone even though he promised to give work a rest for the afternoon. Kat desperately wanted him to feel her fear, but Joe couldn’t give that particular emotion the right kind of attention. For Joe, unless it could be emailed, fear just didn’t exist.
Before he could reclaim it for swiping or typing, her hand settled atop his. “I really hope they’re excited to meet us. I know they know us—in the future, of course—but I hope they’re excited to meet us now. Remember how it was with Vivi? Remember how hard she laughed when she saw you had hair?”
“Apparently that’s one thing they still haven’t solved in the future. Go figure.”
“She didn’t mean anything by it. But that laugh was so amazing. She laughs the same now. It sounds exactly the same. Isn’t that amazing?”
“I just hope this one’s a boy. We have enough estrogen in our house already.”
Before Kat could respond, there was a quick knock and then the door pushed open, revealing a white-coat clad, middle-aged man, who scurried in.
“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Holt, my apologies for joining you folks later than scheduled.” He placed a tablet on the desk before offering his hand to them both. “I’m Dr. Ahmed, one of the physicians assigned to your case. The good news is, our video conference doesn’t start for another few minutes, so we’re technically still on time. How are you both?”
“We’re doing fine,” Joe said.
“A little nervous, if I’m being honest.”
“This is your second time through the process?”
“Yes, we already have a daughter—Vivienne. She’s almost three.”
“Well then, you must know what to expect from these things. Parents who have been approved for one tend to get approved for their second, and so on.” He scrolled through a few pages on the tablet with a nod. “And judging by your medical history, I really don’t see any reason why you would be rejected. Still, we are bound to follow the protocol, so here we are. Between you and me, we’re all still adjusting to this whole thing even on this side of the desk.”
“Is it true that no one knows about approval or denial until the video conference? Not even Origin Tech?” asked Kat.
“No one in this timeline, that’s correct,” said the doctor.
In response, the butterflies rattled against her abdomen so hard Kat had to locate the nearest trashcan—a tiny little thing in the corner of the room that just wouldn’t do for what she had brewing. Joe was right. It was nerves. She wondered if she should excuse herself to the bathroom just in case.
“But as you know,” said Dr. Ahmed, “no individual is required to disclose their medical information. Our company is only permitted access to the communication notification. All records are sealed until the individual grants access in the conference call. It’s all standard HIPPA regulation stuff. I know you’re both anxious, but you’ll find out soon enough.”
“See Kat? Just a formality.”
That word again. Tossed around so casually about a situation that was anything but for Kat. The only salvation would be seeing her child on that screen. Just like with Vivi, that face would be enough to undo all the anxiety of the day.
“Dotting our i’s and crossing our t’s.” The doctor offered a smile, which Kat returned with a little hesitation. She was surprised he hadn’t asked about her pregnancy. And why there were no questions about her pregnancy at check-in. She thought maybe this was part of it. This man was just a case physician, after all. She didn’t get assigned to an OBGYN until after the conference call with Vivi. This time wouldn’t be any different.
The tablet chimed, and Kat had to press four fingers to her lips to keep from vomiting. The doctor silenced the alarm and directed their attention to the monitor just beneath the clock.
“I’m sure you remember this from last time. The conference is short, but by the end, we’ll have our answer and can move forward. Are you two ready to begin?”
Kat tried to settle herself, but her stomach seemed determined to spoil the afternoon with some unsolicited show-and-tell. Were it not for Joe’s hand, she was certain the contents of her breakfast would have already been splattered all over the good doctor’s desk.
“Yes,” Joe answered for them both.
“Excellent. The call is coming through now.”
The call came through unceremoniously—a simple chime on the tablet followed by a few clicks on the remote and then a low-definition video blinked onto the monitor. Kat’s ears burned as the outline of two individuals slowly came into focus.
Twins, she thought, feeling those awful butterflies lift and drop. Joe must have been thinking the same thing because he patted her thigh when he saw them—two girls. She was sure part of him was disappointed, but even still, he did a terrible job of hiding his excitement of seeing his children on the screen for the first time.
As the image became sharper, Kat could see the two girls didn’t share much of a resemblance to each other. She thought perhaps they were fraternal twins, but after more careful examination, she realized the two really looked nothing like each other. Even fraternal twins must have shared some similar characteristics. The same eye shape, or their grandmother’s sharp nose perhaps. These two girls—no, women—did not. And neither one looked anything like Vivi. To Kat’s dismay, the technology had really improved these last four years because this clearer picture showed her two women who shared no resemblance to herself, or to Vivi or Joe. And the moment the sound finally cut on, Kat knew these two individuals were not her children, and a sick dread instantly replaced those butterflies.
“Mr. and Mrs. Holt, my name is Dr. Li, I’m a psychiatrist assigned to this case. Beside me is Dr. Martell—she’s a lawyer who represents individuals who’ve chosen inexistence. I understand it must be a bit of a shock to you, but our client has requested not to be present for the conference. Instead, myself and Dr. Martell have been instructed to reject the claim for gestation by proxy.”
There was a beat, a tick from the clock. Time enough for Joe to clear his throat.
“I’m sorry, I think I misheard you. Did you say ‘rejected’?”
Kat’s fingers grew cold in the quiet, but her pulse quickened to match Joe’s heat.
“The request for gestation has been denied,” said Dr. Martell. “Per our client’s request, we are here to reject the claim by proxy.”
The words came coolly and unburdened by any error in technology. How she wished for the feed to cut out then. For the picture to blur or the audio to stutter. For them to have said anyone else’s name besides her own.
Joe’s hand abruptly left the cocoon Kat so desperately tried to keep him in. His thumb now tented beside his other fingers on the doctor’s table.
“You can’t be serious,” he said. “Rejected by proxy? We have to hear this from two people we don’t even know?”
“Can we not speak to them? Is he or she…are they there?” Kat leaned to the side as though she could peer around a corner of the screen to find them.
“I call bullshit. There’s gotta be some misunderstanding here. I want to talk to my kid. I want to hear it from their mouth.”
Dr. Ahmed raised his hand in an attempt to quiet Joe, whose hand was now flat on the desk, finger’s blanching under the pressure.
“Dr. Li and Dr. Martell are permitted to represent their client in accordance with section eight,” said Dr. Ahmed. “This is all standard procedure, Mr. Holt.”
“No, no, don’t ‘standard procedure’ me. I want to talk to my kid. Put my kid on the call now. I deserve an explanation.”
A new fear settled for Kat, quickly overtaking the first. “Are they okay?” Her voice was only ever dwarfed by Joe’s, but she tried anyway. “Are they hurt?”
“Are you listening to me? I said I want an explanation!”
“I’m sure you know, this decision is non-negotiable,” said Dr. Martell. “Under section five of the Autonomy Act, the carrier, Katherine Holt, is required to submit for an Undoing immediately following this conference call.”
“I don’t believe this.” Joe pushed back from the table so forcefully that his chair tipped back with a terrible thud. “Where’s my explanation? There’s a method to all this, right? Show me the facts behind this decision right the hell now. I want scientific proof as to why we’ve been rejected.”
“Mr. Holt, if you’re unable to remain calm, I’ll be forced to call for security to have you removed from the premises.”
“Go for it, pal! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. This is ridiculous. Rejected? On what grounds?”
Having lost Joe to anger, Kat tried to settle her nerves and that terrible ringing in her ears by sweeping her own thumb back and forth on her thigh. When that didn’t work, she covered one hand with the other and closed her eyes, too afraid to make eye contact anymore with those terrible women on the screen.
In the future, her child chooses not to exist. Something happens to them that’s so terrible, they cannot bear to continue with their lives. All Kat had by way of an answer was this brutal truth, and in the absence of the full picture, she conjured up images of a world somehow more terrifying than any reality. A promise of a certain torture she’d likely suffer for the rest of her days.
“What about Vivi? Is she safe? Does she know?”
“Let me handle it, Kat. They won’t get away with this. They fucked with the wrong family.”
Soon the yelling in the room increased to the point that security was called to restrain Joe, whose threats had exceeded what Dr. Ahmed found tolerable given the circumstances. Kat watched as her husband was dragged from the room, spewing profanities and ultimatums as he went.
When the door finally closed, silencing the vulgarity, Dr. Ahmed released a sigh and quickly apologized to the women on the screen, who nodded faintly at Kat before continuing the discussion. Kat, now entirely alone, felt a strange sort of crippling freedom, and marveled at how quickly she could add to her fears.
“This decision does not affect your current progeny, or any others you may choose to conceive,” continued Dr. Martell. “But each subsequent gestation request is subject to the same process as the ones before. Do you have any further questions in this regard?”
Vivi. How would they explain this to her? Did she need an explanation? What was the explanation? Joe was right. Didn’t they deserve to know what happened? This was clearly a non-genetic rejection, but was it something they did? Was it preventable? If it was something that could potentially change in order to protect their future children, didn’t they have the right to know what or why?
“Can you…” Kat couldn’t seem to find an acceptable register for her voice. “Is there something we did wrong?” She thought again about Joe. It wasn’t the first time he’d snapped. A dinner with her parents a few years back was the last dinner they’d shared together with her family thanks to that temper. But he never laid a hand on Vivi. He might not have been the most patient with her, especially with work being so stressful, but he was never violent.
“Unfortunately, this information is protected.”
“But if we know, we can stop whatever it is. I can do something about it.”
“Mrs. Holt, please understand that this decision has already been made. Our client’s wishes are clear. If there are no further questions outside of those which are protected under HIPPA regulations, this concludes our videoconference. Dr. Ahmed will wrap things up.”
The two women’s faces disappeared instantly, the screen returning to black. In the sudden quiet, Dr. Ahmed squared himself to Kat, presenting the tablet once more.
“Please sign here to indicate that you’ve participated in the video conference and then initial here to acknowledge that you understand the results of your gestation request.”
Kat was finding it difficult to breathe. Things were moving at a dizzying pace.
“But…Joe’s not here. Shouldn’t he sign too?” she finally managed, but not before tacking on her shaky signature to the screen. Her fingerprint joining the dozens of other hasty smudges in that tiny box. How many of these were rejects like her, she wondered.
“Two signatures at this point is just a formality.” Dr. Ahmed added his own marks to the screen. “Alright, done with the paperwork stuff. The only thing left is the Undoing. The exam room is just down the hall. I’ll walk you there.”
“Now?” The word fell from her lips. “Right now?” Another low pang. She didn’t know what to do. Vivi’s life was happy. The girl was bright and content and had no problems at daycare. And despite Joe’s temper now and again, he was a good father to her. But this child—the one just beneath her cold fingers—had chosen inexistence. What could have possibly happened in their life that was so cruel and could she have stopped it? What suffering was she delivering them from?
“Yes, it’s all part of the process. Undoings are to take place immediately following the conference call. Section five of the Autono-”
“Please…isn’t there a provision for the parents?” A reflex-like cramp in Kat’s stomach forced her mouth closed for a beat. When she continued, it was with acid at the base of her tongue. “I feel like I need time to just talk or consult someone or something.” Her breath was hot enough that she eyed the trashcan once more just in case. It would have to do.
“Mrs. Holt, I assure you, the Undoing is painless. It’s a simple pill to activate apoptosis. You won’t feel a thing.” He went to help her to her feet. “The whole procedure takes less than twenty minutes, but your appointment is until 3pm, so we’ve got more than enough time.”
The vomit came wild and unbidden. The tablet in Dr. Ahmed’s hand painted generously by the colors of Kat’s breakfast. She apologized profusely before being taken from the room.