DANIEL MALEFIST is shown into a spacious office. The only furniture in the room is a formidable dark wood desk with a formidable chair behind it.
MALEFIST stands expectantly, waiting for someone to enter.
He looks around a little. Clears his throat.
The throat clearing causes KENNETH BALRICH to stir then slowly appear behind the formidable desk.
They meet eyes. BALRICH looks suspicious and slightly outraged, very imperious. MALEFIST smiles appeasingly.
BALRICH
Have you paid to enter?
MALEFIST doesn’t understand.
BALRICH points at a small collection box on a stand behind MALEFIST, who looks at it, then walks over to read the small sign attached.
MALEFIST
I have to pay… to enter?
BALRICH
To step beyond that white line. Step back or pay!
MALEFIST
Can I–
BALRICH
Step back!
MALEFIST
Okay, but can I–
BALRICH
Step back! OR pay up!
MALEFIST steps back behind the line and BALRICH settles.
MALEFIST
I have come to make a request of you today.
BALRICH stares straight ahead, unhearing.
MALEFIST
Sir? I have come to make a request of you today.
BALRICH picks at his teeth, reads a little pamphlet on his desk.
MALEFIST knocks over the collection box, it clunks to the floor.
BALRICH
Pick that up.
MALEFIST picks it up, waits for something to happen.
BALRICH glances up, catches MALEFIST lingering in his field of vision, peers up at him in the distance.
BALRICH
YOU’RE STILL HERE?
MALEFIST
Um. Yes. I just stepped beyond the white line like you asked–
BALRICH
WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
MALEFIST
I just stepped beyond–
BALRICH
I CAN’T HEAR YOU. THE WHITE LINE IS THE EDGE OF MY HEARING RADIUS.
MALEFIST looks at the white line. Looks at the spot he was previously standing a few feet away. Looks at the collection box.
A pause.
He walks up to the box. BALRICH is staring into space again.
MALEFIST
Five dollars?
BALRICH either can’t hear MALEFIST or pretends he can’t.
MALEFIST pulls out his wallet, inserts a five-dollar bill into the box, waits for something to happen.
Nothing changes. BALRICH does not gesture him in or even look his way. MALEFIST steps beyond the line to where he was standing before.
BALRICH
Oh, hello. You’ve paid?
MALEFIST
Yes.
BALRICH nods approvingly.
MALEFIST
I have come to make a request today.
BALRICH
How can I help?
MALEFIST
I would like to apply for a job.
BALRICH
I see. Work?
MALEFIST
Yes.
BALRICH
For you?
MALEFIST nods.
BALRICH
I see… For an intimate request, I’m afraid you have to pay to step over the next white line and have an intimate conversation with me.
MALEFIST thinks. He steps over to the next money collection box and reads it. He considers it.
MALEFIST
Can I pay with card?
BALRICH
NO!
He gestures firmly to the back corner by the door.
BALRICH
ATM.
MALEFIST walks back toward the ATM but stops at the white line. He looks back at BALRICH, who appears to be looking at or toward him, and walks over the line, trotting to the ATM. He inserts his card and his information, then waits for the cash to come out.
He trots back to his previous position before BALRICH.
BALRICH
Have you paid to enter?
MALEFIST
Yes. I just went out to get cash.
BALRICH
LIES! THE PENALTY FOR TRYING TO GET AROUND PAYING IS PAYING MORE! You must pay or risk penalization.
MALEFIST
I know you remember me paying.
BALRICH stares at MALEFIST stonily.
MALEFIST
Break this for me.
MALEFIST begrudgingly passes BALRICH a twenty-dollar bill. BALRICH pulls out a money box and breaks the bill into fives. MALEFIST returns to the outer edge then pays to step over the first white line again.
BALRICH smiles agreeably at MALEFIST, who steps up to the next payment collection box and pays the fee, then steps over the next white line.
BALRICH
I see you’re in my intimate request zone.
MALEFIST
Yes. I would like to apply for a job.
BALRICH
Excellent. To pay for me to look through the available jobs, you will have to pay me.
BALRICH places another money collection box on his desk. MALEFIST reads it.
MALEFIST
I can’t. I’ll take any job. Please.
BALRICH
There can be no exceptions. Do you know why?
MALEFIST
Yes.
BALRICH
Really?
MALEFIST
Mhm.
BALRICH
I’m not sure I think you know why.
MALEFIST
I know why.
BALRICH
Why?
MALEFIST sighs.
BALRICH
Tell me.
MALEFIST
Because that would be unfair.
BALRICH
That’s right. Now PLEASE pay the price for me to find a job for you to apply to.
MALEFIST
I don’t have that much money.
BALRICH
How much do you have?
MALEFIST holds out his hands, showing BALRICH his cash. BALRICH counts. He thinks hard.
BALRICH
Alright. I’ll help you out. I’ll take the cash you have left. And your left shoe and sock.
MALEFIST thinks. He hands BALRICH the cash. He then very slowly leans down and removes his left shoe and sock.
MALEFIST starts to leave them on the floor by his foot, but BALRICH holds out his hands across the desk, indicating he wants them. He pats the spot on his desk he wants the shoe and sock to lie. MALEFIST places them there.
BALRICH pulls out a massive manilla folder which appears to have the job listings in it. He flips through them.
BALRICH
What kind of job you want?
MALEFIST
Any. Dishwasher, Walmart, construction. Anything that pays.
BALRICH makes a phone call.
BALRICH
Just got a new one in for you. Fresh, very safe. Yes, all of your desired features are present. Yes. Wonderful. See you soon. Bye.
BALRICH ends the phone call and stares at MALEFIST blankly.
MALEFIST
That was… for me?
BALRICH
Hm?
MALEFIST
That call?
BALRICH
Oh yes.
MALEFIST
Aren’t you…going to send me somewhere?
BALRICH
Oh, yes! After you pay me to tell you the address.
MALEFIST stares up at him.
BALRICH
For you, I’ll accept pants.
MALEFIST
What’s the position?
BALRICH
Poop Cleaner. Or foot tester.
MALEFIST
Are there any others?
BALRICH glares at MALEFIST.
MALEFIST very slowly removes his pants, hands them over to BALRICH.
BALRICH
Thank you.
BALRICH says nothing while MALEFIST waits.
MALEFIST
What’s the address?
BALRICH
Of what?!
MALEFIST
The interview!
BALRICH
DON’T talk BACK to me, YOUNG MAN!!
MALEFIST
I’m sorry. What is the address.
BALRICH looks in his folder.
BALRICH
Oh, it turns out it’s right here.
MALEFIST
Nearby?
BALRICH
This room.
A pause.
MALEFIST
Can I have my clothes back then?
BALRICH stares blankly.
MALEFIST
My payment? Can I have it back, please?
A buzzer sounds.
BALRICH
Here!
THE MANAGER enters.
BALRICH
Resume!
MALEFIST
Pants pocket. Back left.
BALRICH
Here you are.
THE MANAGER looks over the resume.
MANAGER
English degree…Film minor…Interned with Penguin…Volunteered at an animal shelter…Very impressive.
MALEFIST
Thank you.
MANAGER
Oh, it’s you.
MALEFIST
Yes. Nice to meet you.
MANAGER
This is very impressive, but I’m afraid I can’t hire you at this time.
MALEFIST
Okay. Um. Thank you.
MANAGER
It’s the lack of pants.
MALEFIST
I own pants.
THE MANAGER exits.
BALRICH
Should have brought an extra pair. Exit from whence you came.
MALEFIST
Can I have them back?
BALRICH
Hm?
MALEFIST
My pants.
BALRICH
Yes?
MALEFIST
I’d like to have them back. I got no job from this.
BALRICH
That’s not my fault. Exit from whence you came.
He looks out into space, done with the conversation.
MALEFIST does not move.
BALRICH ignores MALEFIST for an uncomfortably long amount of time. He eventually glances nervously at MALEFIST a few times before MALEFIST charges him.
BALRICH
What are you– HEY! You have to pay to touch-!
MALEFIST leaps over the desk and knocks him out of his chair, assaulting him cartoonishly.
BALRICH
You have to pay you have to– SECURITY!!
A security guard runs in as BALRICH clutches his chest, gasps loudly, and goes limp. The guard pulls MALEFIST off BALRICH and throws him to the ground. They both stare at BALRICH.
CINDY PARMESAN enters. She takes the scene in.
PARMESAN
He’s dead?
The guard checks BALRICH’s pulse, shakes their head briefly, then sees MALEFIST’s resume and hands it to PARMESAN.
PARMESAN
Is this yours?
MALEFIST nods hesitantly.
PARMESAN
This is a very impressive resume.
MALEFIST
…Thank you.
PARMESAN
You need a job?
MALEFIST
Yes, please.
PARMESAN
Would you like this man’s job?
MALEFIST
Sure. Yes.
PARMESAN
It’s yours.
MALEFIST
Thank you. Thank you.
PARMESAN
Put your pants on.
MALEFIST crawls across the floor and puts his pants on.
PARMESAN
Shoe and sock too.
MALEFIST puts his shoe and sock back on.
PARMESAN
Now he’s ready. Take your seat.
MALEFIST looks at the chair BALRICH was sitting in, looks back at PARMESAN questioningly. She nods encouragingly. He climbs up into the chair and sits up straight.
PARMESAN indicates to the guard she wants BALRICH removed. The guard pulls BALRICH offstage.
PARMESAN
You look at home.
MALEFIST
Thank you.
PARMESAN
You understand how this job works?
MALEFIST
I think so.
PARMESAN
Good. There’s a camera in here, so I can check your progress and give you advice when you need it. I’ll be by whenever you need help.
MALEFIST
Great.
PARMESAN
Open for business.
They smile at each other for a while.
PARMESAN exits.
Someone is shown into the same entrance MALEFIST entered through and walks up to the same spot MALEFIST originally walked up to then smiles at him appeasingly. MALEFIST swallows.
MALEFIST
Have you paid to enter?