“A One-Act Play”
CAST OF CHARACTERS
DYLAN MARCUS BERGSMA, a sensitive young poet.
MARIAH BERGSMA, his sweet and cheerful mother.
THE NARRATOR, an omnipresent narrator.
HANNAH/BOSS/BILL/AVA/JANE, Dylan’s sarcastic sister, cruel boss, weird friend, girlfriend, and mean, hyper-capable daughter.
ZOEY JAMES, a kind and foolish young woman.
SETTINGS
The Bergsma living room.
A lonely cemetery.
PRODUCTION NOTES
Time and place are present day, Western U.S.
SCENE 1
(Several chairs in a “couch” formation; 1 more chair nearby. This formation stays in place until final scene. NARRATOR reads from lighting booth. SPOTLIGHT on MARIAH, with “BABY.” MUSIC CUE: Classical music.)
NARRATOR
Dylan Marcus Bergsma was born at 11:23 p.m., on a lonely Thursday. Nobody called, and nobody brought roses. But his mother told him:
MARIAH
(Rocking BABY) You’re perfect. You’re beloved. You cannot fail.
NARRATOR
She was lying.
(MUSIC CUE: Sound collage, epic feel, as MARIAH jiggles BABY offstage, playing through transition.)
(LIGHTS FALL.)
SCENE 2
(MARIAH “knits” a TINY BLANKET on “couch,” HANNAH reads a MAGAZINE in other chair.)
(ENTER DYLAN, slamming in and kicking wall, stage right.)
HANNAH
What’s your damage?
MARIAH
Don’t talk to your brother like that! (Goes to him.) What’s wrong, baby?
DYLAN
I can’t tell you. (Keeps kicking.) It’ll make you sad.
HANNAH
Spit it out, idiot.
MARIAH
He’s not an idiot.
DYLAN
I am an idiot. Kevin P. gave me a Frappuccino and I drank it.
HANNAH
Kevin P.? What were you thinking?
MARIAH
Maybe this Kevin P. was trying to make friends.
DYLAN
He wasn’t. But everybody was watching, so I took a sip. Then they all started laughing.
MARIAH
Why? I don’t understand. (She pats DYLAN, who is in tears.)
HANNAH (BORED)
Clearly, they pissed or jizzed in it or something. (Gets up.) I’m going to Julie’s.
MARIAH
What? Why?
(DYLAN and MARIAH scowl in unison at HANNAH’s callousness.)
HANNAH
Because I can’t stand this. He’s too weak to take care of himself and you’re too weak to let him learn how. (EXITS.)
DYLAN
How can I go back to school after this?
MARIAH
It’s going to be okay. (Hugs him.)
(LIGHTS DIM.)
NARRATOR
She was lying again. As the years went on, Dylan failed at work:
(SPOTLIGHT UP on DYLAN and BOSS, standing just offstage, in front of audience.)
DYLAN
Will you accept my poem for publication?
BOSS
(ACCENT, WITH MUSTACHE) No.
NARRATOR
He failed at friendship.
DYLAN
Hey Bill, wanna go get a drink?
BOSS
(Becoming BILL by putting on HAT, adopting new accent)
No.
NARRATOR
And he failed at love, too.
BILL
(Becoming AVA by putting on WIG, NECKLACE)
This isn’t working.
DYLAN
Really?
AVA
For real, dude.
(LIGHTS FALL.)
NARRATOR
Time kept rolling on, and Dylan floundered. There was a wound in him that never closed–his mother wouldn’t let it.
SCENE 3
(MARIAH and DYLAN on “couch.” Her knit BLANKET is medium-sized now.)
DYLAN
(Taking MARIAH’S hands) Ava left.
MARIAH
She wasn’t right for you.
DYLAN
And I haven’t had a poem published in years.
MARIAH
You will.
DYLAN
There’s something wrong with me, mother. People don’t like me. I can’t write; I can’t look myself in the eye.
MARIAH
You’ll do better tomorrow. You’re perfect.
DYLAN
Then why can’t I stop failing? (Bends head, weeps.)
(LIGHTS FALL.)
NARRATOR
Dylan was at the end of his rope.
SCENE 4
(DYLAN slumps offstage in center aisle of theatre (or equivalent), drinking VODKA, holding BOTTLE OF PILLS.)
DYLAN
(Singing) I am the sun, I am the air. I am human and I need to be loved. (Looks at PILLS.) Just like everybody else—
NARRATOR
Then he met Zoey.
(DYLAN is about to chug PILLS. ENTER ZOEY.)
ZOEY
Don’t do it!
DYLAN
Don’t you see, you strange girl? I’m a failure.
ZOEY
(Sitting next to DYLAN, taking his hands) You’re not, I can tell!
DYLAN
Are you needy or something? Do you collect broken birds, try to tape up their wings?
ZOEY
(Touching DYLAN’s face) No!
(LIGHTS OUT)
NARRATOR
Yes. Zoey was a fixer. And Dylan was broken. So of course, they fell in love.
SCENE 5
(MARIAH paints HANNAH’s nails on “couch” onstage, as ZOEY and DYLAN stand at front of stage, as if outside the front door of the Bergsma household.)
DYLAN
I can’t wait for you to meet my mom.
ZOEY
Will she like me?
DYLAN
Of course. You’re like two peas in a pod!
(DYLAN knocks and the couple enters, greeting MARIAH.)
DYLAN (CONT’D)
(Kissing MARIAH’s cheek) Mother! Meet Zoey.
MARIAH
(Hugging ZOEY) I’m so glad to meet you. Now, don’t break my son’s heart!
HANNAH
You can’t break jello.
MARIAH
This is Hannah, my eldest.
HANNAH
(Not getting up) Zoey, right? Lemme give you some advice–run!
(LIGHTS FALL.)
NARRATOR
But Zoey didn’t run. Viewers, she married him. And before he knew it, Dylan had not one, not two, but three women in his life.
SCENE 6
(DYLAN sweeps floor with BROOM, in GLASSES, as ZOEY in BLAZER breezes in. MARIAH knits on “couch.” Her BLANKET is quite large.)
ZOEY
OK, sweetie, I’m off to work. (Kisses DYLAN’s cheek.) Be sure to check out those job postings I bookmarked for you!
MARIAH
(Old voice) I’ll see that he does!
DYLAN
Oh, you two! Don’t worry, I’m close to finishing my chapbook. Then I won’t even need a job–I’ll have royalties.
(ENTER sulky goth daughter JANE in a LEATHER JACKET, black WIG.)
JANE
Yeah right, dad. You couldn’t get published in the classifieds.
MARIAH
He could! For a fee!
JANE
When I turn 18, I am moving out. And never talking to you freaks on a leash again. (To ZOEY) Gimme a ride to school.
DYLAN
Have a great day, sweeties!
(LIGHTS FALL.)
NARRATOR
Dylan was now definitely middle-aged. His hair had started falling out and his face sagged. The chapbook was still unfinished. Zoey didn’t care, at first, and then she did.
SCENE 7
(LIGHTS UP on NARRATOR and ZOEY, sitting on NARRATOR’s lap in his BOOTH.)
ZOEY
Oh Sean, you’re so decisive.
NARRATOR
I am.
ZOEY
And you have a job!
NARRATOR
I do.
ZOEY
It’s–intoxicating!
NARRATOR
I know.
(ENTER DYLAN, shocked. He runs up to BOOTH and confronts the pair.)
DYLAN
Sean? Zoey? What does this mean?
ZOEY
It means–he’s mine!
(NARRATOR nods.)
DYLAN
I don’t understand.
ZOEY
I’m leaving you. There’s no reason not to. Jane’s moved out, and we’re washed up. It’s time for you to grow up, Dylan.
DYLAN
(Begging) But what shall I do? Where shall I go?
ZOEY
That’s not my problem.
(LIGHTS FALL.)
NARRATOR
It wasn’t. Thus Dylan, at 47, found himself living with his mother.
SCENE 8
(LIGHTS UP on DYLAN on “couch,” with MARIAH under an ENORMOUS BLANKET, which she is knitting on.)
MARIAH
I’m so glad we’re roommates again, darling. (Pats him.)
DYLAN (Glumly)
Yeaaah.
MARIAH
Want to watch the new Nicholas Sparks movie?
DYLAN (Happily)
Yeah!!!
(MARIAH and DYLAN freeze.)
NARRATOR
Dylan had plans. Big plans. Plans to move out. Plans to finish his chapbook. But somehow, he never quite did.
(UNFREEZE MARIAH and DYLAN, but they’re acting decades older. They both knit on the ENORMOUS BLANKET. ENTER JANE, aged with glasses, blazer.)
JANE
(Kissing her father and grandmother) Hello daddy, hello Grammy. I brought you some chocolates.
DYLAN
Jane! (Tries to get up, can’t.) Oh forgive me, my back’s acting up. I was up late last night, typing up my chapbook!
JANE
Ah. Still with the chapbook?
MARIAH
(Super old voice) This revision is strong. Very strong!
DYLAN
And when it’s done, and I get a publisher, I’ll finally be able to move out!
MARIAH
It’s like a dream come true!!
JANE
But–it’s not true. You’re never going to finish it.
MARIAH
Shhhh!
JANE
I won’t shhh. Daddy’s been working on that chapbook since before I was born. And today I found my first gray hair.
(JANE kneels, takes DYLAN’s hand.)
JANE (CONT’D)
Come on, dad! You’ve still got–what, ten good years left? Don’t spend them lying to yourself.
DYLAN
Your mother once told me, you cannot fail. Later on, she changed her mind. But she said something true, that day.
(LIGHTS FALL.)
(CUE WISTFUL MUSIC, running through TRANSITION, NARRATION.)
NARRATOR
She didn’t. Love isn’t clarity. Dylan never managed to finish his chapbook. Hell, he didn’t even manage to outlive his mother, and she was old when he was born, like 37 or something. Jane brought lilies to the funeral.
SCENE 9
(LIGHTS UP on MARIAH and JANE, facing a GRAVESTONE. MARIAH is wearing ENORMOUS BLANKET as a shawl.)
JANE
(Laying LILIES on grave) Well, he’s gone. Goodbye, Daddy. (Starts to leave.)
MARIAH
Aren’t you going to stay for the reading of the will?
JANE
What did he have to leave?
MARIAH
Not much. But he left you his chapbook.
(MARIAH steps offstage and comes back wheeling a small WHEELBARROW filled with the CHAPBOOK, an ENORMOUS PILE OF FOLDERS AND LOOSE PAPERS, COVERED IN STICKY NOTES, RED PEN MARKS, AND BINDER CLIPS. The act of bringing the CHAPBOOK onstage is a big strain for the frail woman. JANE is horrified.)
JANE
This is it? This is the goddamn chapbook?
(JANE circles the WHEELBARROW in disgust, kicking the tires.)
MARIAH
It was his life’s work, Jane.
JANE
It sucked. And trying to pretend like it didn’t practically killed me.
MARIAH
We can’t all be logical like you, darling. Some of us have to settle for being loving.
JANE
What do you mean?
MARIAH
I mean that to me, your father was perfect.
JANE
Are you nuts? He was anything but.
MARIAH
And has knowing that made you so happy? Do you think you made HIM feel better, by so obviously thinking of him as a failure?
JANE (Angry)
What was I supposed to do? He was ridiculous!
MARIAH
And how many people do you think you’ve improved with THAT attitude?
JANE
Goodbye, Grandma.
(JANE starts wheeling WHEELBARROW away; MARIAH starts hobbling away in opposite direction. Suddenly, THEY FREEZE.)
(MUSIC CUE: Sad end music.)
(DIM LIGHTS.)
NARRATOR
Jane never read the chapbook. She moved to Vancouver, then Phoenix, then Portland. She was always looking for something. When she moved to Portland, the chapbook was put in a box of books that ended up getting left out in the rain. Overnight, they swelled up, like August zucchini. The words ran together, becoming illegible. It was a Tuesday. The sky in the morning looked as clean as fresh cotton.
(MUSIC fades out.)
(LIGHTS FALL.)